Woy Woy Shed Update – She’s Alive !

 3rd December, 2010.

Fantastic news just in from the Woy Woy dig.

A survivor has been pulled alive (as opposed to the rarer form, the non alive survivor) from the twisted rubble of the asbestos riddled shed.

Jeanette. P., the family matriarch of the previously assumed “deceased family” has been located safe and well, living in the sprawling western suburbs of outer Sydney. And whilst the sheds traditional owners – The Gunnasiouxya People have decided to re-enter the fray, usurping the Nowhere Man’s right to contact said survivor – it is believed a legal letter has been drawn (personally, I’d have typed it but a little charcoal sketch is always nice), enunciating to the general effect – and in laymans speak – “Howdy Jeanette, we’ve got yer family albums. Would you like em back?”  

Now I was greatly comforted by the news. And a certain sense of satisfaction washed over me as the disappointment of Wednesday’s local court appearance momentarily pushed up the beach toward the surf club car park of my potholed mind. My charge of breaking into the ramshackle shed had been fast tracked to appear so as not to clutter the Court roster leading into the Woy Woy Spring Carnival.   

It had been a horror week, as I’d been forced to fight like a marzipan sausage in a fat farm to preserve my freedom and just to top it all off, the Aussie cricket team in battle with the old enemy looked about as potent as low fat icing sugar- England 1- 4000 in their second dig! And so, with sweet toothed similes spinning wildly atop the dessert tray like an amphetamine addled Doogle, gyrating the roundabout most magical… let me recount both the closing statement for the defence and the crushing judgement handed down by Koolewong’s Local District Court circa just the other day … 

  

Nowhere Man …

“And in closing your honour…

 I do concede that I have flaunted the law and yet only your honour, for the higher moral principle.

For that, yes I am guilty.

Reuniting loved ones in the stern face of bureaucratic bloody mindedness.

For that, yes your honour, I am guilty.

Break and enter; balderdash your honour … I put it to this court that if I were to kick in the flaming door of a burning bungalow and pull to safety: women, children and men folk alike… that I would in fact be hailed a considerable hero. Would I not be fated with ticker tape and free produce all the way from the

Blackwall Road roundabout right down towards Ettalong Surf Dive & Ski ?

Of course yes I would.

I put it to your honour that a lit match illuminates much statutory inconsistency; ‘Break n Enter’, drinking bevvies and smoking Cubans with an appreciative throng at the charmingly quaint Null and Void Arms whenever a higher humanitarian cause aligns motive.

I implore this court your honour to embrace a larger, more encompassing, spiritually lush picture in determining this spurious case … thank you.”

Ruddy Faced Magistrate…

“Mr Nowhere Man, you watch a lot of television. 

Would I be right ? (chuckles from the court)

Yes, well…  you claim to have broken into said shed upon hearing screams for help radiate from behind the padlocked door – and yet the family you claim to have rescued transpires to being little more than old photographs haphazardly aligned in each of two albums.

This court views self righteous acts undertaken by lone wolf street photographers in a very dim, uprate your TRI X three and a half stops kind of light.

I must conclude that you are somewhat of a buffoon Mr Nowhere Man and I hereby impose a 12 month suspended sentence. In addition you shall be required to recompense The Gunnasiouxya People all costs pertaining to a suitable lock and a brand spanking new shed door.

… Next !”